Will Durst Will Durst, 11/4/2005 [Archive]

Libby On The Label

Libby On The Label

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

'When it says Libby Libby Libby on the label label label, it means testimony given, is mostly fable fable fable.'

The team in charge of Scooter Libby's defense has already tipped its hand as to the vice presidential chief of staff's legal strategy in the Valerie Plame case. Apparently he's going to stick with the 'I'm a busy guy' defense. We've all seen it before. They trot out a stack of papers as big as a phone book, and call his phone logs 'Defense Exhibit A.'

'We're talking about a busy person here, people. How could this man possibly be expected to remember at what precise time he betrayed one of our secret agents as revenge on her husband for criticizing our government's motivations for going to war? This is the chief of staff of the most powerful man in the free world. Payback is his job description. Exacting vengeance on perceived enemies is a 24-hour-a-day job. For him, the skirting of the boundaries of treason is like you and me going to the copy machine. You want the truth America? Let me tell you something, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.'

In the interest of avoiding this boring, tiresome and clichéd charade while at the same time fulfilling my duties as a consultant to Court TV, I've provided a couple other possible defense strategies the vice president's team might want to check out:

•Too preoccupied with the grave responsibility of preserving the safety of our great nation from evildoers to recall exact sequence of events over 26 months ago.

•Perjury! Since when is perjury a crime? What are you guys, liberals?

•Playing Scrabble in the Presidential Suite of the Mayflower Hotel with Dick Cheney, Bill Frist, Karl Rove and Tom DeLay at the time. What time? Any time you want.

•Indictment is simply the desperate death rattle of a partisan prosecutor determined to advance the empty agenda of a hollow opposition party by exploiting extreme legal technicalities.

•Come on. His accusers are jailed journalists. Who you going to believe? The people committed to protecting us from terrorists or a bunch of Geraldo wanna-bes?

•He was on Twinkies at the time.

•Fixing broken crutches of crippled children at an orphans' hospital at the time of reputed phone calls. And why weren't you?

•Russian Embassy microwave interference distorted his space-time continuum.

•You can't send a guy named Scooter to prison.

•Couldn't have made calls in question as he was consulting with evangelist Pat Robertson in a one-on-one seminar about how to better spread the message of our Savior Lord Jesus Christ across the globe.

•If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.

•Inner ear infection caught while rescuing drowning puppies in the Euphrates River had him all discombobulated. But he's much better now.

•Recently diagnosed with an 18-and-a-half minute gap in his memory.

•In the middle of obsessing over the cancellation of 'Buffy the Vampire Killer,' subsequently went on a two-week ecstasy bender and can't recall anything from that time period except a Portuguese seamstress named Eva and a three-legged goat.

•Unable to process precise memories due to lead poisoning contracted while growing up as a poor black child in Queens.

•Before single-handedly stymieing a hitherto-unpublicized terrorist attack in the cookbook section of a Borders bookstore in the Crystal City Mall, he took a direct hit from a radioactive Al-Qaeda bicycle pump hose causing him to suffer from debilitating headaches and occasional blackouts.

Political Comic Will Durst did some of that.

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns 'Raging Moderate' in a bookstore near you soon. Email Will at willdurst@sbcglobal.net. © 2005 Will Durst.

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