Bill Steigerwald Bill Steigerwald, 12/11/2009 [Archive]

“GP Bear Goes to Washington -- Part 1”

'G.P. Bear Goes to Washington -- Part 1'

George Orwell used satire and talking pigs to mock utopian socialists in "Animal Farm."Now, just in time for the Copenhagen climate conference, ClimateGate and the coming ice age, veteran libertarian journalist Bill Steigerwald shamelessly steals Orwell's idea and uses talking polar bears to poke fun at global warming alarmists and their fellow travelers in Washington and the media.

Twisting the title of director Frank Capra's movie masterpiece to his own ends, Steigerwald and his son Joe have created "G.P. Bear Goes to Washington: The True Story of a Freedom-Loving Carnivore." A 12-part serialized "docu-fable," it features real issues, real people and a magical, eloquent, media-savvy polar bear who understands his species is in far greater danger from the interventions of the federal government, Barbara Boxer, Al Gore, Leonard DiCaprio and overzealous wildlife scientists than from anthropogenic climate change. Part 1 of G.P. Bear's heroic quest to win freedom for his species begins today.

Part 1

'G. P. Bear goes to Washington:

The true story of a freedom-loving carnivore'

By Bill and Joe Steigerwald

Of all the animals the Inuit traditionally hunted, Nanuk, the polar bear, was the most prized. Native hunters considered Nanuk to be wise, powerful, and "almost a man." Some called the bear "the great lonely roamer." Many tribes told legends of strange polar-bear men that lived in igloos. These bears walked upright, just like men, and were able to talk. Natives believed they shed their skins in the privacy of their homes.

-- Polar Bears International

This is a true story, except for everything that was made up to make it more dramatic or to mock someone.Any resemblance to real politicians, as well as any insult to the religious beliefs of global warming alarmists, is purely intentional.


Grandpa Polar Bear was relaxing in his easy chair watching a special news report on TV called 'Plight of the Polar Bears.'As a mother bear and her cub stood forlornly on a tiny shrinking iceberg somewhere near the Arctic Circle, the dashing reporter from CNN sounded like he was going to cry.

' -- because of global climate change, polar bears are suffering population losses and may soon become extinct. Rising temperatures are melting the sea ice earlier and earlier each summer, leaving the bears less time to hunt for their primary food -- ringed seals. If we don't reduce our burning of fossil fuels soon, scientists say the only place our children will be able to see these magnificent creatures will be in a zoo or in a Walt Disney movie. For CNN, I'm Anderson Cooper.'

'Extinct!?' Grandpa roared, slapping the arms of his leather chair with his huge paws. 'Melting sea ice!? Shrinking bear populations? Who writes this junk science, Al Gore?'

'Don't get upset, Dad,' said Mother, looking up from her latest copy of Reason magazine. 'It's CNN. What do you expect? Fairness? Balance?'

'What were they saying about polar bears dying, Grandpa?' asked Junior, looking worried as he came in from the kitchen with a bottle of Coke.

'Nothing, Junior. Nothing,' Grandpa grumbled. 'Just a lot of make-believe.'

After dinner, Grandpa read Junior a bedtime story. As Grandpa was about to turn off the nightlight, Junior asked, 'Grandpa, why do you yell at the TV? The people in it can't hear you.'

'I know,' Grandpa said with a smile. 'They live far away in New York and Washington. That's why they don't know anything about polar bears or the Arctic.'

Junior looked anxiously at Grandpa. 'Mother said your heart will get attacked if you keep yelling at the news.'

'Don't you worry,' Grandpa chuckled. 'I just get mad when humans make us look like sissies who can't handle a little change in the weather.We're polar bears, for Pete's sake.We're not helpless victims. We don't need the government, Keith Olbermann, Greenpeace, Leonardo DiCaprio or anyone else to protect us from Mother Nature.

'If humans just left us alone -- and if their scientists stopped chasing us with helicopters and shooting us with dart guns -- we'd be fine.'

'Why don't you go to where the humans on TV live and yell at them?' wondered Junior. 'Everyone always listens when you yell.'

'They wouldn't believe a thing I'd tell them. But that's a good idea, Junior,' Grandpa said, clicking off the nightlight. 'A darn good idea. '

Part 1 of 12 installments. Tomorrow: Part 2, 'Junior gets brainwashed.'

(To Editors: A new episode of this old-fashioned serial -- between 550 and 700 words long -- will be posted for the next 11 days. For our newspaper clients, our suggestion is to start it in print in your paper's opinion section (Part 1 or Parts 1 & 2) and then jump it to your Web edition and serialize it there each day until completion (while cross-promoting it from the print side). The serial is timed to end Christmas Day and can easily be broken into six, four or three parts, if you wish, which would allow you to wait until closer to Christmas to begin running it.)

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